The Given Garden Page 17

  Suddenly, the things that Resonah had said to me that day when she’d learned that I knew nothing about what I was there for and had not been encouraged to charm the prince came back to me fast enough to make me reel.

  ‘Some people still don’t understand what they judge with declared understanding. I wish that would change faster but… You’re five; you don’t know what you want. But I’m fifty-two and I can tell you, what you want is to impress Kohén Barachiel, because the alternative is a tedious life indeed, and one without gardens as beautiful as Eden’s are.’

  She’d been trying to justify her career to herself and trick me into aspiring to follow her. The betrayal made my eyes sting.

  It was the most horrific news that any of us had ever been told (Emmerly took it worse than she had her father’s death) and instead of getting better once the truth was out of the bag, the illuminations continued to darken our souls. Firstly- we had no say in the matter in any sense. When we’d signed the contract, we’d signed away our free will and nothing short of one of our siblings dying in the next three years was going to change the fact that we were castle property now with nowhere else to go, but the Wildwoods as banished if we acted up badly enough. And then, even if our parents wanted us back, they would have to repay the castle for the years of tuition, provisions and board in order to have us released which most would not be able to afford. And once we were sixteen, that escape hatch would close as well and lock tightly behind us, because Kohén was allowed to take us to bed on our sixteenth birthdays and as soon as he had touched us, we ceased to be property of the kingdom’s and became his flawless, infertile possessions.

  We could be released on our twenty-first birthdays though, but that was no exit either because once we’d been used for sex, we would never be accepted as anything but sex workers (no one wanted a wife who was infertile, promiscuous AND had lain with an expert Nephilim lover!) and apparently, we wouldn’t want to be because it was a glamorous, sensual and truly blessed life. We would be able to leave Arcadia for another kingdom if a transfer was approved, but regardless of whether we stayed or left, we would be marked- rather like the criminals were- by a branding on our shoulder once we left, that was to tell the world what we were good for, and we would only be good for that one thing as soon as we’d been ‘had’ by Kohén. A regular branding for the ‘Companion’ glyph for those released when they turned twenty-one, and a gold-stained one to mark us as Kohén’s favourite Companion if we were asked to stay on that would declare how special we were to the world.

  And now that we were old enough to understand who we were going to grow up to be, we were to start being trained for our true purpose- in the art of seduction. We’d be instructed on sexual activities such as fellatio and intercourse- but would not be expected or permitted to do any of those things until we were sixteen- though Kohén could begin attempting woo any of us, or stealing kisses whenever he wanted to from the moment we left this classroom and him, his- an announcement that made Kelia shriek and then faint. As Maryah fanned her face, she went on about encouraging us, her manner perfectly calm and almost excited.

  Once we were of consenting age, we had a five-year sexual sentence to fulfil, and apparently the sooner we started trying to win Kohén’s eye, the more we’d prosper for it. Why drag out the inevitable by denying him flirtations for as long as possible, when starting early and meeting up with him often equalled us leaving as wealthier women then those who retreated into the corners of the palace to hide? Besides, sex was a wonderful thing and we would feel like true Goddesses after the first few times and understand that we were more powerful than any of the men in Arcadia.

  The news made me feel so hysterical that by the time she got to the word ‘consenting’ I burst into a fit of giggles that didn’t subside until they became tears. Then the bell rang and we were ushered out of the classroom and told that we had the lunch break- as Kohén did- to digest what we had just learned and we were to do so in privacy and not be caught in any common areas, lest any of us pitch a fit because of course, now that we were thirteen, we could be banished for such things. Then, when we returned, she would answer all of the questions we had, so long as they were shot at her in an orderly fashion.

  I walked out into the hallway and threw up into the drinking fountain. I don’t know if that was orderly, but everyone was too busy trying to get smelling salts under Kelia’s nose to notice that the girl they’d treated like a ghost had grown so pale as to be translucent.

  14.

  Truly afraid of what I’d do if I attempted to walk through the public throne room and out to my hemlock, I stumbled out into the courtyard behind the pool instead and reclined against the wall, breathing in gasp after gasp of mint-cool air until I established a steady, less strenuous rhythm. I watched the other girls drift past the glass panels in the double doors like ghosts, their faces as white as their dresses, and I prayed that none of them would seek the fresh air I was greedily gulping down, because I was certain that there was not enough to share.

  My life had been turned over yet again, and though I hadn’t been physically relocated this time, I felt as though miles suddenly separated me from everything that I’d thought I’d known- and especially from the boy who I’d allowed myself to love like a brother.

  I wasn’t a sister to Kohén and I never would be- I was his pet or in the very least, his property, and his father was not a father figure to me at all, but my keeper. Suddenly exhausted and completely confused, I sagged down on the stone bench beneath me, and tried to reconcile the memories I had of spending time with Kohén, with all of the things that Maryah had said that I’d do with him in the future. After a few minutes and an extreme bout of nausea, I realised with a bit of relief that I could not.

  Everything has changed for me, but that doesn’t mean that it’s changed for Kohén, right? He would never touch me like that, would he? He’d never allow anyone to treat me like a thing, right? I AM like a sister to him, or at least, a chum! Not someone he might like to kiss and touch one day. Not a… a...

  I groaned, hugging myself against the frosty January air and rocking gently to keep my blood circulating because it felt like all of it had rushed to my head and was about to snap-freeze there, even if I was too hot with shock and anger to actually feel the cold. Snow was falling like powder around me to join the sludge left on the ground, and though I knew that I wasn’t dressed to be outside in such weather, I couldn’t bear the thought of going inside and facing my friend, and welcomed catching a cold- anything that would permit me to remain in bed for the rest of my life.

  Ahh but you will remain in bed for the rest of your life, little whore...

  I sobbed and rubbed my arms, dusting away the falling snow before it could melt against my flushed skin. I couldn’t see Kohén beckoning me to disrobe for him like I’d seen in the pictures in Maryah’s books, but I wouldn’t have believed Karol capable of expecting a virgin girl to do that for him either, and I never would have imagined that the king had eyes for anyone but his beautiful wife! My wonderful books had led me to believe that the king and duchess were madly in love and completely fulfilled, but to learn that he desired other women and that the only kiss I’d ever know would be as the other woman for Kohén, shattered me.

  Where art thou, Romeo? Not in Calliel!

  I’d always known that having a wonderful man fall desperately in love with me like Rhett for Scarlet had been a far-fetched fantasy, because I was not attractive at all. But by the way Maryah had put it, being beautiful mattered nothing to a man when it came to physical gratification. I’d be young, available, impregnable and open for business and if the kingdom was already sustaining so many whores, there would be work for me, even if I did turn out to be the ugliest of them all. I tried to imagine how much less I’d earn than Kelia, and then began to feel nauseous again at the idea of gentle Kelia being mounted by some hairy old nobleman, or clever Martya’s mind being wasted by the wine she’d have to drink to get through an evening as
an escort. They couldn’t do it- and I certainly wouldn’t! I’d take banishment! I’d take the fish in the east- anything but this life! Even no life at all! Could I do that, if I had to? It certainly felt like it!

  No! Taking your life is the biggest sin of all! God doesn’t want you to weep or hurt yourself or feel bad! God wants you to be strong, to set an example, to prove to be resilient and to rejoice in his...

  I balled my fist into my mouth to block an ugly sob from escaping. God didn’t want anything for me, not a darned thing! I wasn’t part of his flock but a sacrificial lamb born to be used and discarded and haggled over and then forgotten. I would never know motherhood, or love, I would never have a family of my own, or a life of my own. My destiny was to become public property to the highest bidder and if God was okay with that, then God was not okay with me!

  In fact, nothing was okay with me- I was steadily transitioning from being shocked, to becoming furious and it suddenly seemed like everyone in the world was to blame for my lot in life; the entire Barachiel line, the elders, the nobility, the women who had condoned this instead of revolting against it and more than everybody else- God. If being third-born made me so worthless, then why should I go on living at all? Shepherds said that suicide was sinful, but if I was going to be treated like an object for sale, then why not discard myself like the trash they thought I was and save them slowly breaking me down? If there were women who coveted this line of work for the glamour, prestige and sensuality- let them take my spot as the village whore! Let them choose to do what I was determined not to!

  ‘You are never to use the word: whore, my dear darlings,’ Maryah had whispered. ‘You are companions now, and nothing less.’ But I was less than others. Wicked. Adulteress. Whore. Slut. The words were evil words created by evil men and jealous women and though it was not the kind of terminology that I’d heard thrown about often, I had heard them spoken, which meant that it would be said about ME if I didn’t find a way to escape the kingdom or allow myself to be banished by refusing to comply to the law.

  The law, what a joke that was! I’d heard, several times over the years, of women being banished for acting in an unladylike manner- for committing adultery or for taking money for sex- so how dare the kingdom demand that we Given girls hold our heads high for doing the exact same thing? And more importantly, why were the women in the kingdom allowing it to go on? How many of them were waving their male spouses goodbye at night and then weeping afterwards because there was love in their joining, but the unrequited kind? How many of them wished hateful things on the Companions they passed in the street? Or worse- how many of them were jealous of our rank?

  But you won’t be getting money dear, you’ll be getting gold! Draped in gold, like the ladies who come to court! You’ll look like a walking commodity, not a used dishrag!

  I bit down on my tongue to keep in the groan. Maryah had tried to glamorise the vocation and I could see towards the end of her lecture, that Lette and Elfin had begun to be swayed by her promises of happiness, comfort, acceptance, and all of the pretty gowns that money could buy. But what about girls like Martya and I who did not desire such things? I did not want to be perceived as being important- I wanted to BE important. I wanted to help change the world and I’d studied hard to bring the plantation of my dreams to life- and yet here I was, a plaything in training! Why had they bothered to educate us at all? How foolish was Maryah if she honestly believed that the men who would pay for our bodies would give a wink for what went on between our ears?

  And more importantly, how had I allowed myself to forget that I’d been sent to the palace as an example, all of those years ago? How could I have put faith in the king, who believed that it was okay to tear five-year olds from their parents’ arms? God, I’d actually begun to hope for so many things! I’d begun to dream! And by allowing me to do so, the king and Maryah had been incomparably cruel. I’d never loved a boy, but my soul yearned for all of the ones who would never be able to attempt to love me, and for all of the kids I would never be able to show the love that my mother had withheld from me.

  I shuddered, suddenly recalling my hateful first day there, and how I’d noticed the way King Elijah had so adoringly gazed after the beautiful woman in white who’d waved me inside the gates. He wasn’t a feeling leader- he was a deviant, who treated women like objects and hid his sensual streak behind a kind smile. It was no wonder that his wife seemed so miserable so often- first she’d had to share her husband, then had been forced to breed with him and now, she was roaming the castle halls alone, mourning her lost son while her husband sought a different kind of solace in the arms of others! How could she stand for it? And how could the king’s companions stand themselves? Perhaps Resonah had shown me kindness but in that moment I loathed her for encouraging me to act in a way that would ensure that I was selected. I would have handled a million slimy fish before I reached for any part of Kohén’s anatomy! Was it any wonder that the duchess hated me, or that my mother had frozen me out the moment she learned that Kohén had taken me in?

  I moaned for the guilt, tugging free the ornate silver comb that was holding back my hair, and the coil of platinum thudded against my back as it fell. Perhaps the companions now in residence within the palace had found a way to be happy and to laugh, but that would never be me and I’d never wear a speck of the palace’s jewellery again now that I knew what I was to trade in order to be adorned in such precious metal. I cupped the comb in my hands and stared at it, thinking of how naïve I had been to believe that it had been a gift when really, it had been a down payment on my soul. Angrily I rose and threw it as hard as I could over the wall of the courtyard and then hugged myself again so hard that my fingertips dug into the flesh that I had no right to mark.

  I had to find a way out. I was named after a lark and now, I needed to learn to fly high enough to carry me over the treetops and away from Arcadia forever. Could I find a way to sneak out of the grounds, fortified with weapons and food in my pockets and apron to sustain me until I found a way to hunt and navigate, or should I wait for one of our outings? Perhaps the New Year’s ball when we were expected to vanish?

  And if I couldn’t get anywhere, what other option would I have left but to take advantage of one of our picnics to the spout of the tidal fall, and throw myself into the white water knowing that I would be crushed when I hit the hard-packed sand of the low tide alone, then drowned?

  Or you could wait until high tide and see if you could be the one person to survive...

  I heard the doors behind me squeak then and I whirled, my fingernails biting into my palms when I saw that Kohén had one foot holding it open, while the rest of his body was turned to face a taller, similar shadow to his own in the corridor behind him: Karol. They were talking heatedly but too quietly for me to make out a word, and the fact that they were speaking in low voices in order to bar me from their conversation made me feel even more betrayed than before. Was there no end to the secret keeping?

  Go! Leave me alone! If he puts a single hand on me I’ll rip him limb from limb!

  Hissing under my breath, I retreated further into the courtyard like the caged animal I now saw that I was, and when he detected the movement, Kohén’s head whipped around so that he could regard me with wide blue eyes, and I immediately saw that he looked as shocked and betrayed as I was feeling. But how was that possible?

  ‘You know, don’t you?’ he pushed open the door, waving to Karol to leave, and there was no mistaking the way that his usually fluid voice trembled.

  I swallowed hard, afraid that if I opened my mouth to say ‘Yes’ to ANYTHING that Kohén asked of me now that I knew that I had to, that I would begin to scream or weep.

  If he says it will be okay, or that it’s natural, or if he agrees with Maryah in anyway I will never, EVER speak to him again!

  ‘I was just uh, informed I... Larkin I…’ Kohén had begun to step toward me, but when I backed up, his face fell and his already pale complexion flushed at the a
pples of his cheeks. He glanced back to his brother who was hovering in the doorway and studying me with sad eyes, and then back to me with an angered expression now. ‘I’ll never touch you Larkin, not ever!’ He held out his hands and inclined his head to the side. ‘You believe that, right? You know that you’re like a sister to me!’

  I clapped a hand over my mouth, still trying to hold in my tears. He looked so sincere and yet in the doorway behind him, Karol looked frustrated, as though he knew that his little brother was making a promise that he could not keep. I shot the handsome older boy a glare and he smartly stepped back a pace.

  ‘I don’t know what to think! I…’ I broke off the lie, disgusted to hear the tears in my voice after so many years of swallowing them down. I knew my thoughts, and they were all ugly, violent and volatile- I was just scared of saying so in case Karol had me banished for disrespecting everyone from his father to the lord when I did! Perhaps that would be okay, but only when I was prepared for it with matches, water and a coat. ‘The things that Maryah just told us are despicable to me!’

  ‘To me too!’ Kohén rushed forward, his face grave, and my body vibrated in shock at the admission. ‘Look at your arms! You’ve hurt yourself over this? Oh, Lark!’ I followed his gaze and saw that he was right- I’d been holding onto myself so tightly that little red marks had formed on my skin where my fingertips had been pressing into my flesh. When he met my eyes again, his were full of accusations. ‘You believed them, and you hate me, don’t you?’

  ‘I…’ I darted my eyes towards Karol again. I wish he’d leave! I was on familiar terms with Kohén, but I barely knew Karol at all and now when I looked at him, all I could see was him wandering through the crowd at the Joining ball with a curvaceous woman in a white silk dress on his arm. I wanted to spit on him!